# Not so simple remodel!



## angus242 (Oct 20, 2007)

OK, I'm gonna try to keep this as short as I can but it's a fairly long story....

Had a fellow tradesman come up to me and ask if I could give his elderly mother a quote on remodeling her kitchen. Sure. No problem.
I went there with him and just before we went inside, he mentioned that her budget was around $7500 
I should have known better right there....:shifty:
Well I ended up giving her a price of around $13K for all new oak cabinets, new stove & micro with solid surface counters and a tiled backsplash. I assumed it was a 4-5 day job. They agreed. Got a signed contract and a deposit check of $5k from the son. Deposited the check and waited 5 days until bank said check was available and ordered the cabinets. Around the same time, I also paid myself for some previous work. A few days later, I run to Ace Hardware to get a PVC elbow for my own house. Total was about $7 but debit card was declined. Couldn't figure out why as I just paid myself $4k. Went home and realized my payment to myself bounced. Back tracked to the deposit from the son actually bounced and kicked off the chain of bounced checks. Called the son who more or less said, I don't know what happened and oh well. So I went to the elderly mom who said come by tomorrow and I'll rectify this. I go there the next day and specifically ask her to make sure the check will be good. She says yes as she just had a CD mature and the money was deposited to her account a few days earlier. So I deposit the next check and wait. 2 days later, she calls me and says the check is going to bounce because she wrote it from the wrong account. :furious:
I have my lawyer send them a really nice letter stating they have 30 days to get me certified cash and pay the late fees. I tell the woman EXACTLY what she needs to do to get me my money by the next day. Instead of listening to me, she goes to the bank and listens to some lazy-ass teller who obviously didn't want to go through the trouble of getting certified funds. Instead, she has my customer transfer funds from the good account to the bad one. Great. Now I have to wait 7 working days to prove the funds will be available. 

OK, all thats done and over and the money issue is resolved...

My first day on the job, I go there by myself to setup tools and put barriers up around the home to manage the dust. The front door was left open for me. I still knocked. Waited a bit and then went in. I announced myself and still had no reply. Cool. So I setup everything and while it was still early, I decided to start the demo as the dumpster arrived early. I take my sledge and knock off the first counter top. I pause thinking I heard a weird noise. Nothing more. So now I bust apart the first cabinet. NOW I hear yelling from the next room. I peak my head around the corner to see a very hung over guy laying on the couch with eyes like 2 pee-holes. "Excuse me?" I say. He says, "Do you want me to come in there and really start throwing things?". We go back and forth with the surprise but eventually I ask if he knows that I'm supposed to be there. He says yes, he knows who I am. "You're a business man. I'm a business man. I know you're raping my mother so let's be clear, I'm watching you". Mind you, this is around 2:30*PM*. I continue with demo and he just lays there. As I get a pile of stuff by the door, I stop and then bring the garbage out to the dumpster. At one point while I'm carrying stuff out the door, he stops me to ask a question. So I paused, took 2-3 steps back into the house to hear him and he LOSES it. He charges past me and punches the door closed and starts on some rant about the dog getting out. Yeah, the dog. The 10 y/o pekingese that runs about 1 MPH, IF it could actually run. So he starts screaming at me about the dog and if it got lost and his mother...blah, blah. I tell him, I had the situation under control and the dog isn't getting out. Well he starts telling me how the dog is like a crack-whore. Actually how the dog invented crack-whores. He goes on with his "threat" of being in the irish mob and how I shouldn't F with him. He proceeds to start mixing the dogs food with a 7" kitchen knife. So I start walking around with my jab saw and hammer. I start figuring out how much money I'd have to refund at this point and how long it would take me to load my tools back out. I called the elderly woman and asked what was up with this. She had conveniently forgotten to tell me her 45 y/o drunk-ass loser son lived with her. Nice. 
He ends up going to work. Yep that's right folks, still drunk from the previous night and off to work he goes. This was a daily occurrence for him. Not sure how you can live with an 18 hour buzz. So day #1 of this job ended like this....I had shut off the water main to cap the pipes under the sink to pull the sink base. When I went to turn the water back on...Friday night at 7:00pm, the main shut-off valve springs a leak. Yes.....great day. My plumber wasn't available and I couldn't find one that was. Mind you, the main is leaking. I had the village come out and turn the water off at the street. Because I already had it with this job, I just went to the store, got a new valve and replaced it myself. Plumbers, I don't want to hear about it. 
Anyway, I'll stop with the details here. I'll leave you with some of his greatest lines from my 7 days there. After 4 days of dealing with him, I just starting coming after 3PM when he was gone for work.
Calling the dog a crack-whore was awesome.
His mom yelled at him for spending too much time at the strip club. Nothing like seeing a 45 y/o man get yelled at by his elderly mother for _that_. 
He got a tape measure one day to tell me how far his face was from his own penis.
He invited me to his next family reunion.
He sang the same line from an AC/DC song over and over and over....and it wasn't even the right lyrics.
He said my tiling skills made me ninja-like. Actually he changed that and called me a sensei.
After telling me that he was in rehab twice...and it didn't work, in the most serious face imaginable, he attempted to tell me the meaning of life. This is verbatim: 
"Angus, it's all about high-tech jet fighter pilots. No. It's all about the Lord and then high-tech jet fighter pilots"
I swear I couldn't make that up! He had the most proud look on his face after enlightening me so. He then proceeded to give me a hug and proclaimed it wasn't ****. I stood there frozen in fear with my arms at my side making a noise as if I were a small animal being tortured. That's when I started coming in after 3PM.

Whew! So you see guys, your day wasn't that bad now, was it?

At least I walked away knowing I gave such a dysfunctional family such a great kitchen at a great price (and $5k in my pocket!)

UGH inch:


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## thekctermite (Apr 30, 2008)

Angus, I've never met you but you strike me as the kind of person that certainly has ninja-like tile skills. And I think you should change your avatar from "the colonel" to "the sensei".

Thanks for a good laugh, and my deepest sympathy on getting the contract for this one!


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## shanekw1 (Mar 20, 2008)

angus242 said:


> Actually how the dog invented crack-whores.


:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing:

That's a helluva story, dude. Sounds like that guy needs some:bangin:






(still laughing)


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## tinner666 (Nov 3, 2004)

I've had some lulu's, but I can't, nor to I want to ever top that one!:laughing::laughing:


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## AtlanticWBConst (Mar 29, 2006)

Entertaining story (read). Thanks for sharing it. :laughing:

Aren't people great?!
....they come in all shapes and sizes, and with all kinds of personal issues....


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## tgeb (Feb 9, 2006)

Incredible story, I don't think I could have made it through that job.

That type of thing is one of the reasons why I work out doors.


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## Mike Finley (Apr 28, 2004)

Sounds like you ran into my uncle Jimmy. :laughing:


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## ChrWright (Jul 17, 2007)

Nice one Angus. :laughing:


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## Bud Cline (Feb 12, 2006)

Can't top that one!!! That guy wasn't drunk from alchohol, he is a crack-head.


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## send_it_all (Apr 10, 2007)

Being hugged against your will by a drunken psycho crack-head is the same as having your leg humped by a pit bull. 

You just have to let him finish.


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## shanekw1 (Mar 20, 2008)

celtic said:


> helmet cheese


lmfao!


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## JamesNLA (Jun 2, 2006)

This is just comedy. Had you told me all that happened on day one, I'd have chanced that valve out for free. When others go through something like this I can't help to think of my favorite slogan: Better you than me pal.


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## kevjob (Aug 14, 2006)

thanks for the story, makes me feel ok about my crazy clients which don't hold a candle to your story. :laughing:


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## Celtic (May 23, 2007)

:laughing:


That is one helluva of story!
I haven't come across many drunk clients/reps....but the ones who are....wow - they are really a mess.


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## Kent Whitten (Mar 24, 2006)

I really, really needed that laugh. I'm sorry for the entertainment I got at your expense, but it really made me feel better.


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## dkillianjr (Aug 28, 2006)

That is one heck of a story angus, I have had some weird clients, but that deffinetly tops the list! I don't know if I could have stuck the job out. Sounds like you could use a nice cold one of your own after that!:drink:

Dave


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## angus242 (Oct 20, 2007)

Celtic said:


> You might need some couch time to get yourself straightened out:whistling


Thanks Dr Phil, but I'm good there....

I know he didn't touch the tape measure but now that I think of it, I might be buying a new set of screwdrivers soon....:sad::shutup::cursing:


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## Snow Man (Aug 18, 2008)

angus242 said:


> OK, I'm gonna try to keep this as short as I can but it's a fairly long story....
> 
> Had a fellow tradesman come up to me and ask if I could give his elderly mother a quote on remodeling her kitchen. Sure. No problem.
> I went there with him and just before we went inside, he mentioned that her budget was around $7500
> ...


 
*You deserve every bit of what you got , after the first bounced check shananigan ...big dummy.*

*You sound more f***ed up than him , staying on the trailer site.Which I'm S U R E IS A DAMN TRAILER*


*I seen it after your first paragraph, but your a glutton for punishment.*

*Like I'v said before , these a**holes must be QUALIFIED before commencement.*


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## Celtic (May 23, 2007)

angus242 said:


> Thanks Dr Phil, but I'm good there....


That's what I'm here for :thumbup:



angus242 said:


> I know he didn't touch the tape measure but now that I think of it, I might be buying a new set of screwdrivers soon....:sad::shutup::cursing:


Does any charge a "****-phoebe" factor?
:laughing:


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## neolitic (Apr 20, 2006)

Thanks!
I needed that. :laughing:


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## icsbill (Nov 3, 2009)

*great laugh*

You called me when this was happening and I laughed then, but i just read your short story and its funnier at 1am. Especially the thing about the tape measure:laughing:


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## jarvis design (May 6, 2008)

Angus, I can totally relate to your story...in fact...in reminds me of a bathroom I did a couple of years ago.

Elderly lady with her 2 non-working, alcohol drinking, pot smoking sons who lived at home.

The first day I started I was greeted by one of the sons who probably weighed a good 350-400 lbs...opening the door in his underwear. When I asked him if he knew I was coming...he said yes! Soooo, you knew I was coming, but you couldn't put clothes on???

The best, and there are many, was when I was working in the basement, had the water off, and I heard what I thought was water running. WRONG!! To get to the basement you had to go out the back kitchen door into a shed. There was concrete steps leading from the door. I guess the son needed to pee, couldn't walk down the steps and pee outside, so he peed on the steps! Yes, the same steps I was walking up and down on!!

Oh, and the day I walked in and he was lying on the couch, with no clothes on and his mother sitting in her fav chair beside....nice!!

Was never so happy to get a job done.....and have a hot scalding cleansing shower!!


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## Cjeff (Dec 14, 2009)

Hey 1 got 5 years to go, then I can move back in with my mother!


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## tbronson (Feb 22, 2010)

Wow... Just... Wow...


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