# The best



## master of none (Apr 27, 2009)

All this talk about building this and how to build that is great and all.... but what really gets me through the day is the funny.... Construction workers have got to have the best one liners out of any one... lets hear them...I have a few that i will post when the time is right


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## Kent Whitten (Mar 24, 2006)

Does your mamma know you have her hammer?


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## master of none (Apr 27, 2009)

framerman said:


> Does your mamma know you have her hammer?


and when your done.. if you get done.... she wants it back:w00t:


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## strathd (Jan 12, 2009)

If you move any slower your gonna put me to sleep !!!


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## knucklehead (Mar 2, 2009)

Viagra=Fix a flat


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## master of none (Apr 27, 2009)

strathd said:


> If you move any slower your gonna put me to sleep !!!


If you were moving any slower, you'd be in reverse...


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## TxElectrician (May 21, 2008)

It'll be finished tomorrow! :laughing:


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## master of none (Apr 27, 2009)

TxElectrician said:


> It'll be finished tomorrow! :laughing:


I'll get it done today even if it takes all day tomorrow....


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## WarriorWithWood (Jun 30, 2007)

What are you trying to do, scare that nail in?

Are they your legs or are you riding a chicken?

You move like molasses rolling downhill in winter!


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## Kent Whitten (Mar 24, 2006)

master of none said:


> and when your done.. if you get done.... she wants it back:w00t:


no, I'm asking you specifically, does your mamma know you have her hammer? :laughing:


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## Kent Whitten (Mar 24, 2006)

WarriorWithWood said:


> You move like molasses rolling downhill in winter!


That's uphill ....in winter :w00t:


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## Double-A (Jul 3, 2006)

Hit it with your purse, Martha!


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## Warren (Feb 19, 2005)

You hit the wrong nail! (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!)


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## strathd (Jan 12, 2009)

Look up, the vultures are hovering !!!


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## strathd (Jan 12, 2009)

How can you see with all those tears in your eyes ??????????


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## master of none (Apr 27, 2009)

I see said the blind carpenter
as he picked up his hammer and saw.....


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## strathd (Jan 12, 2009)

I can't........... If you were at the alamo we would all be wearing sombreros..........


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## silvertree (Jul 22, 2007)

If that's plumb and level then Rosie O'Donnell is thin and sexy!


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## loneframer (Feb 13, 2009)

"I see" said the blind man as he stood pi$$ing into the wind, "It's all coming back to me now"


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## Gilby (May 15, 2009)

*Wow*



strathd said:


> I can't........... If you were at the alamo we would all be wearing sombreros..........


Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity


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## strathd (Jan 12, 2009)

I live on Bad st. the further down you go the badder it gets.

I live in the last house.


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## RippySkippy (Feb 9, 2007)

I had a high school shop teacher tell a student...who was on the "not-so-gifted" side: "You're so dumb, you couldn't blow your nose if you had dynamite for brains."

Funny and most likely true, but in appropriate. On the bright side...I don't think the student caught it...


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## trimchiree (Jun 21, 2009)

to homeowner- "yeah, I think we're doing alright for our first time"

to homeowner- "still plenty of time to screw it up"

(house with white siding + trim) "looks all white to me"

(dark grey siding) refer to the house in general as the "U.S.S -insert customer's last name-"

(climbing around on staging set-ups) "we'll be at the circus this weekend"

toss a sweatshirt down from the staging making a screaming/falling sound (not funny imo but a guy i used to work with thought it was).

tell the rookie you need a siding pannel cut to 163 1/2" (when working with 12' 6").

double check with the rookie to make sure he peeled the plastic off the back of the foam insulating board to stick it on the house.

with a large hole in the wall (bay window/slider opening) to homeowner- "we'll see ya tomorrow"

upon seeing somone energetically swinging a hammer give them the nick name "master beater".


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## rustyjames (Aug 28, 2008)

Referring to someones abilities: he/she couldn't lead a thirsty horse to water.


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## whooley (Apr 5, 2008)

"Six dollars worth of nails in a 5 dollar board." 

"My Mom has the same tack hammer."

"No matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd."

And when the new guy is explaining why he thought what he did was right,
"I can feel my IQ dropping just listening to you"


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## macography (Jun 21, 2009)

I think your head needs more spackle than that hole in the drywall.


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## skyhook (Mar 17, 2007)

:no:
You can't make stew without stirring the pot.
:no:​


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## CScalf (Dec 18, 2008)

Drive around and when you see someone you know walking, roll the window down and holler "need a lift? stick a jack up your ass" then speed off, my friends hate me :laughing:


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## PGD (May 20, 2009)

"I don't care if he only speaks Spanish! .... But he better understand Drywall perfectly" --- *Contractor buddy Jim*


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## PGD (May 20, 2009)

"Your slowing me down B!tch!" --- *Jim*


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## master of none (Apr 27, 2009)

If you were going any slower you would be in reverse.


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## d-rock (Oct 17, 2009)

watching you work is like watching grass grow..


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## rustyjames (Aug 28, 2008)

He's so slow it takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.


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## App-ironworks (Sep 9, 2009)

When talking about an idiot:
"If dumb was dirt he'd be 40 acres."

When talking about some one old:
"He not old as dirt, but dirt was still new."

After making some one repeat what ever smart azz reply you didn't like,
you have to cut them off mid sentence to get it right:
"I didn't hear you on purpose!"

After some one says move or cut something a CH:
"Blonde, brunette, or redhead, they're different you know... well 
I guess you wouldn't."

When messing with someone in the welding shop, do this milliseconds before you strike an arc, direct their attention to the spot you're about to tack:
"Wow, look at that!..." <strike the arc> "...pretty blue light."

When delegating work:
"When I say we I mean you."


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## Roofer Dan (Dec 21, 2009)

won't leak 'till it rains!


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## Roofer Dan (Dec 21, 2009)

now i want ya to reach down 'tween your legs, grab ahold a 2 big hand fulls of hair, and pull your head outta your a$$!

then i want ya to wipe the ***** outta your eyes so ya can see what the hell you're doing!


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## FowlOne (May 2, 2009)

"Cut it twice and it's still to short"


"You're as worthless as tits on a bull"


"Can you bring me that 'dikfer' over there."


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## PrestigeR&D (Jan 6, 2010)

For all the " know it all newbees" --- "HEY! ,,,,new guy- get me the left handed hammer out of my truck"-the one with the claw on the right side of the hammer- 

Some actually start looking for it- ! I'd let this go on for as long as possible :laughing::laughing:


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## Roofer Dan (Dec 21, 2009)

go get the:

bubbles for the level. they are in a film canister.

chalk line eraser, and be sure it's got a good pad in it.

felt strecher.

#4-1x knot. ya know, for filling knot holes in old 1x decking boards.


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## jfranklin (Apr 18, 2009)

putting a spit shine on a turd


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## TempestV (Feb 3, 2007)

When new problems keep cropping up, my dad's favorite line is "if it isn't one thing, it's fifteen"

When someone wacks themselves with a hammer or somehow injures themselves with a tool, "you have to be smarter than the tool"

About a not so bright coworker, "sharp as a ball bearing"


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## TempestV (Feb 3, 2007)

In my hometown, there is a favorite- "slicker than cat guts on a doorknob".


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## mudpad (Dec 26, 2008)

The superintendent that I learned the ropes from and moved up the ladder with used to constantly say "Unbelievable! That damn fool hasn't got a lick of sense!"

When he retired we had a party for him complete with a cake we custom ordered that said "Unbelievable! That damn fool hasn't got a lick of sense!"


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## jhark123 (Aug 26, 2008)

"Ya got to go ape **** on it" refering to demo. That was my first foreman and I still use that line.


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## skyhook (Mar 17, 2007)

When someone is taking too long,
"are you making a career out of it?"​


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## boman47k (Oct 13, 2006)

He's so slow, if he falls off a 40' ladder and not be hurt!


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## D.Foster (Sep 13, 2008)

You Thought? 
Thought thought that he had farted, but he really shat his pants....


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## D.Foster (Sep 13, 2008)

You goin for your RN? No? Could have fooled me the way your nursin that job...
You grow up on a dairy farm? Cuz you REALLY know how to milk it...
You wanna sub that out?


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## WNYcarpenter (Mar 2, 2007)

"If it can, it will"

I just learned this year that when figure skaters finish their routine they wait in the 'Kiss and Cry' area awaiting their score....well, we put a spin on it....

When the a$$ kissers on the crew spend too much time hamming it up with the bosses/HOer...we call it the 'Lick and S#&K" area.....

During a big POW-WOW it's known as STO in the L&S area...we have a lot of fun with that!.....LOL....


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## Warren (Feb 19, 2005)

Good eye, Cyclops!


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## loneframer (Feb 13, 2009)

........"and if you fall, you're fired before you hit the ground."


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## boman47k (Oct 13, 2006)

He had rather climb a pole and tell a lie than stay on the ground and tell the truth!


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## 2ndGen (Apr 6, 2006)

"If you went any slower, you'd be going backwards!"


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## dayexco (Mar 4, 2006)

you could fug up a wet dream in a whore house


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## boman47k (Oct 13, 2006)

Ho so ugly, she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.


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## Ten Fingers (Nov 5, 2006)

That's close enough. We're not building a tavern.


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## loneframer (Feb 13, 2009)

"I've forgotten more than you'll ever know"


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## boman47k (Oct 13, 2006)

loneframer said:


> "I've forgotten more than you'll ever know"


 
I told that to a foreman one time when I was working in a textile mill. He said, " I know it, Rickey". I sort of felt bad about it afterward.


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## loneframer (Feb 13, 2009)

boman47k said:


> I told that to a foreman one time when I was working in a textile mill. He said, " I know it, Rickey". I sort of felt bad about it afterward.


 I know what you mean. My forman on my first framing job told me that. It pissed me off, so I told him "Maybe so, but I remember everything I learn.":laughing:


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## skyhook (Mar 17, 2007)

Buy you books, send you to school,
 teach you everything I know, 
and you still don't know nothin'. 

Measure twice, cut one.​


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